Fear and prayer

I’ve had a few people recently say to me “I don’t know how you do it. How do you get through the days?” Their tone implies that they think I’m actually successfully getting through these days. I’m not. I barely get one foot in front of the other. There is an automatic pilot that takes over but most of the time there is no flight plan entered. I am falling horribly short of what I should be doing.

I think what really immobilizes me is the projecting out. I keep telling myself it will be better when. That “when” can be any number of things. When she gets to Iraq didn’t last because now that when has turned into when she calls or writes. Or maybe the when is weight loss or savings goals or, or….you fill in the blank of when you have had a when. I’m so focused on that future event to center me again that I am losing my here and now.

I turn to prayer and scripture constantly and while I am in those two activities I find comfort but shortly afterwards I lose my place again and wallow in the when. Does it boil down to a lack of faith? Trust? Why do I keep veering into that shadowed place in my mind?

My son hit on something this past weekend that he has me softly treading in my mind about. He was wondering if maybe I hold onto them, my children, as tightly as I do because I am afraid of losing the first true love I ever experienced. I’ve even told Erin, my oldest, that she was my first perfect day ever the day she was born. The birth of the other three were my other perfect days. I’m sure most parents can relate to that feeling. But is it possible that I have placed my love for them and the love I receive from them above the love of God?

God blessed me with four exceptional children. Kids I rarely have to brag about because other people are doing it for me. That is how incredible they are. That is Gods doing. All of it. Why He saw fit to bless me with these four and to trust them in my care is beyond my understanding. I’ve always been such a screw up, why trust me God? Why take a woman with nothing and give her everything? Is that the core of why I am so afraid of losing them? Forgive me Father for my weakness. For my fears. For a faith that is in its embryonic stage of development. Father you know I did not have parents who loved me and cared for me so maybe I love and care for my own children with too much intensity. And you also know Father that I also do not know how to be a dependent child with a childs trust. Everytime I think I’m almost there I snatch it back like it is a lifeline when in reality it is an anchor on my soul. Please Lord, only you can give me the strength to release my fears. My words are lame and confused Lord. Please look into my heart and see what is there. I surrender to you Lord. And I thank you for loving me and my children more than I will ever comprehend. For loving us so much that you gave your own Son because of that love. I love you Father. Amen