Stuff

Today I have my neurology appointment. I was supposed to also go to Penndot to get a photo ID since I have to surrender my license Wednesday. Found out they are closed.....much to my relief. For some reason it was bothering me more then another doctor appointment. Although...the two are connected. The seizures are why I am losing my license. The seizures had already gobbled up a large portion of my freedom. Surrendering my license just feels like a jail sentence.

I understand why the state has to take my license. I'm not a fool. I wouldn't want my kids on the road with someone like myself. (insert joke here if you would like) It is good the state takes precautions. It just sucks being the person that the state is protecting other people from.

I wish there were other people to talk to about this condition. Swap stories and progress reports. I really need to hear the progress reports most of all. It is frustrating to be thinking I'm finally on the med that is going to control all this only to find out after a number of weeks its effect has been diminished and the clusters are back. To top it off I put on 15 pounds in 6 weeks with this med. But, its side effects are less them most others. Either the doctor will increase this med today....or prescribe something else. Again.

Read the previous post and you know patience is not a strong point with me.

Did I ever mention that anger is one of those stages one goes through also? I find myself at its doorstep regularly. Yep, I'm there today. It can be useful at times. It is what sparked a fire under my butt to get to church yesterday instead of letting fear grab hold of me again. God uses what He has to. God is good-All the time.

So...we also have church and a party to go to tonight. I'm nervous. We also have been invited to a New Years Day gathering which I am also nervous about. The flesh wants to hide in the house until this is over but the spirit knows better. It must be all part of that refining fire. There will be something better. There always has been.

Battles

I wonder how many times a day people pause to consider how it is we each face challenges. I know of late I have been doing that a great deal. But then again, the conditions of my days have been fertile ground for that kind of pondering.

You know how people say bad things happen in threes? It is a stupid superstition I know. If you look at it from different perspectives one could say it is even optimistic in its approach. In other words it is a bunch of hooie. My bad luck seems to be multiplied by some equation that takes a scientific calculator to get the answer to. Do I sound a bit of a whiner? I’m not sure I am whining as much as I’m starting to think ok, enough is enough already. You’ll know when I’m in a fullblown whine. You’ll hear the tone oozing off the monitor. Actually if I took the time to make a song out of the trials of late it would be either country or blues. Heck, I even have the sick dog.

So how have I been facing the challenges? Well at first I went into that comfortable place called denial. Denial on the surface is a wonderful place. Nothing affects you in the world of denial. Or so we like to think. Peek behind the doors of this sheltered world and you find fear and confusion ready to pounce. Which is where I journeyed next.

Fear and confusion kind of go together. I’ve never known a time they traveled separately. They kind of feed each other really. Making each other stronger and more powerful. Left unchecked they can lead a person to a living hell. The only way to fight them is through the power of God. That means surrendering it all at His feet. Fear will try to manipulate your thinking that if you release this that the outcome will be dire. Only through personal control will we overcome. That is a bunch of bull and don’t let fear “confuse” you. It, fear, is attempting to keep you prisoner to its power and the circumstances. It knows its power is no match up against the power of the Lord’s. So even though the earthly vessel screams in fear, the only way to find peace and freedom is to surrender it all to God and His power to take away fear and confusion. I might add, this is an ongoing process. That is our fault, not God’s.

So, I continue to surrender circumstances, fear and confusion to God. This is a good place to be. It gives me enough strength to move forward. But…..now I find myself fighting impatience. This one is probably even tougher to fight sometimes then fear. Oh to wait for His timing in everything and to do it with a thankful, praising heart. I am so weak in this area and I struggle to find what it is I need to do so His power can take over. How does a person surrender impatience? I try to release it but it seems to be stuck to me with some industrial strength adhesive.
I have even suggested a compromise. It goes something like this. You don’t have to take away the trials I already have….just please stop adding additional ones. Let me just gnaw on these for a while until the taste is gone and then we’ll talk. So far the answer has been no. I’m looking into revising the offer and see what happens.

Grumble

Okay, another reason a blog is bad for me. There is SO much to learn. And anyone that knows me has to have an inkling how much I hate to read the how-to's to making something work. When I first saw they had templates I was overjoyed. Minimal effort. But then I found out that to add pictures and various other elements to make the journal a bit more eye appealing.....would entail a whole lot more effort on my part. Thing is, even as I read the how-to's I'm more confuzzled then ever. I hope these "help" sections are not as dummied down as they can get or I am in real trouble. I need something in the blithering idiot arena.

I have to ask myself why I'm trying to get artsy-fartsy in the techie world anyway. Wasn't this supposed to just be a journal? Apparently I have no idea how to do anything without making it more stressful.

Anyway....no promises....but I will try to learn at least one techie add-on a week. I'm thinking just getting the blog up and running is good for this week. Tune in next week for..........

Beginning

Part of the reason given to me about doing a blog is an outlet for stress. Yeah right. Has anyone tried this? I can spend all day writing emails to someone just rambling on and on without thought or effort. But give me a blank page in which I am to write to unfaced people and I freeze. This is NOT minimizing my stress. This is sending me running to my medicine cabinet for blood pressure meds with a sidetrip to my chocolate stash. Yeah, I can see the health benefits. Geesh.

So, how do I approach this? Will this be heaped upon the mountainous pile of other self-help bandwagons I have tried in the past? Hmmm….has there been a book writen about cyber-journaling and its benefits? When it comes to all these helpful books it probably all boils down to one thing. Everything we need to learn about ourselves can probably be learned through a toilet training manual. It discusses how there are psychological mindsets to look for, natural physical laws and perfect timing to get them all balanced out to achieve the successful outcome to your goal. To have your child void when and where is acceptable by society and health standards. So, in a nutshell….all our internalized problems can be fixed if we would just stop being so constipated in our behaviors and just take a good dump and move on.
So back to my original question….how do I approach this? I think I will just journal. No earth shattering revelations and profound insights. Just me and my days. Or to put it in a crude statement which tends to be my strong point…I’ll purge and at the end of it all…wipe my butt and move on.