RE~Conditioning

Is this weather AMAZING or what? I actually woke up needing to wrap a robe around me this morning because of the chill. Oh, this is my absolute FAVORITE!! It must be a carry over from my Wisconsin days. I love chill. We even threw the ancient quilt we own on the bed last night. Yum. I slept like I haven’t in ever so long.

So, where is my head or heart today? Ya know, it is still traipsing through the economy issues of late. We had our woman’s group last night which is supposed to be talking about really intense issues on our heart but we kept veering into speaking about the economy. It is very much on everyone’s minds these days I think. I don’t think we are reacting to the Chicken Little sky is falling arena. I think people are just genuinely concerned about where all of this might lead us based on history and events. As one of my ladies pointed out though, those of us who have been trying to lead a frugal aware lifestyle will probably not be as adversely affected as others. I thought about that when I got home and I think the main reason that is so true is that the mindset is more difficult to change than the source of income. It is very hard for some people to give up the fluff in their life because they really feel they are entitled to these luxuries and that somehow their self worth is wrapped up in the acquisition of the extras. It is all part of the societal conditioning brought on by really effective advertisement agencies. They do medical studies on what our brain does when on drugs, I wonder what would show up if they did these same studies when people are watching commercials on tv that are working their hypnotic magic on our brain? Acquisition…..the next addictive fix.

My son is currently displaying part of the acquisition issues. He is in need, genuine need, of a new pair of sneakers. He needs something with good support because he spends many hours on his feet and at 6’5” that is a lot of pressure point on those poor footsies of his. He has been running around for two days looking for the right shoes. Now, understand, right to him is not just finding shoes that fit the bill for the support he needs for a job, right also means they have to look GOOD and not be a dorky off brand. Where have I failed this boy? He was raised in the kingdom of dorkdom and now he rebels? So he is now thinking he may “just have to suck it up” and pay close to $100.00 for the shoes that he finds acceptable. Given my tightwad way of looking at things I could buy five pairs of dorky sneakers for $100.00 and I would and do choose to go dorky over the conditioned response of having the “right” shoe. I will give them credit; the ad agencies do earn their money. If he keeps shopping like that I am beginning to wonder if he ever really plans on moving out on his own. Is this a sign of failure to launch??? LOL

I don’t know, maybe Bob and I are just way more aware of these sorts of things because we are just a stones throw away from retirement and we don’t relish the idea of living out of a refrigerator box. I lived out of my car once for a three month period. It gives you a unique perspective on what is important and what is expendable on the old list of priorities. Lets just say that list gets completely restructured.

Still, even with that experience behind me I still find myself surrounded by the “stuff” I kvetched about in a previous post. Granted, it is a household of five but still I grew up in a household of six and we never had a third of what I now find myself living with. But enough of that old horse.

Right now we are living under a self imposed challenge to see just how little we can buy. All our purchases are thought out and considered and they must fit under the category of “need”. It is amazing how little we have bought this month since starting it the 1st. Actually placing oneself under this challenge brings on an awareness of the physical yearnings are body go through when we want something. There are actual urges to contend with and resist. Thus my previous statements about addiction. Some of it is about the “want” reflex and other parts are the lazy part of who I am that kicks in wanting to purchase something, say dinner out as an example, because it is just so much easier. But is it? What are the long term ramifications? The list is long and is not limited to the financial. It also extends to who we are and our value systems. Am I willing to sell out for a lobster dinner? I’ve done it for less….(I’m a hot wing freak)

So, what am I going to do about my thoughts and feelings about this? Well, take it a day at a time for one. Continue this challenge we have placed ourselves under and watch to see where it takes us as people and as a family. Pray my kids (special prayer for sneaker boy) that they will have their eyes opened sooner to this epidemic we live under than it took for we parents. And as always, count our blessings daily. If we consistently look for and are thankful for the blessings… there is never room enough for the emptiness of want because we will see how full we already are. Mull that statement over and all its complexities. It will make your brain hurt.

Comment issues

Okay, I have had some friends say they are leaving me comments but not seeing them show up. I did some double takes on the settings and also discovered that at the end of each entry there are two choices. You can click on "comment" to leave a comment to be posted IN the blog for others to see or you can click on the envelope which then sends me an email that is for my own personal viewing and not for the blog. Does that make sense??? Hope this helps anyone who has been frustrated with the process.

Hugs!!!!
~Theresa

A New Day

I actually feel somewhat normal today. Granted, my reference point for “normal” is probably a bit different from other folks but dang if I don’t feel “my” normal. It feels good. I even took time to appreciate and give thanks for a gorgeous sunrise this morning. I was sitting there reading scripture when the room started taking on this reddish pinkish tone and when I looked out the dining room window this is what I was met with. Isn’t that amazing?

Erin has her email up and running finally which means we are able to stay in consistent touch with one another now. That makes a world of difference in my sphere of being. The other three are doing well. Perry has finally adjusted to his new position at work and is managing to balance school and woman without killing himself in the process. The girls are adjusting to school and Zoe has decided to become a member of the church and Kelsey begins her membership classes today. Bob is working like a fiend, as usual, and is now prayerfully considering taking on another task at church. One he is feeling led to and that he thinks may actually be enjoyable. I, on the other hand, am just trying to do well with what I already have on my plate. When and if God directs me to something else I know He will provide what I need to do it. In the meantime…….I’m coasting.

The stock market and economy news yesterday was a bit unsettling. Makes me glad we are doing the frugal/tightwad budget at the moment. LOL I am SO glad we don’t carry a lot of debt. I feel for the people who do and are being affected by all these events lately. I read one report yesterday that said house values could drop as much as 30%. That is a serious ouch. Still, I am grateful that our homes value would still be more than what we owe. We have been pretty diligent about paying extra on the principle and now I’m feeling the benefits of that greatly. Just our not trying to keep up with the Jones’s in general has been a blessing. At times we squawked and whined about not doing or having like everyone else but as a result we do have a bit more breathing room if the days ahead become even harsher for our economy. God is good….all the time.

The temperatures have started to go back down. Praise God. I know I have no right to complain about heat given my dear daughter is in the “big sand box” as she likes to call it, battling 110-120 degree days. So, I won’t complain here. I will just express my gratitude for the cooler days ahead. The hills are even showing a hint of wanting to start changing colors. Autumn….my favorite season. I’m even looking forward to the delivery of our firewood for the season and for the labor of stacking it. There is something about stacking wood that is so satisfying and centering. And then nothing compares to that first fire of the season lit in the stove. Kelsey is already dreaming of getting the pie irons out for pudgy pies.

You know what, it isn’t “normal” I feel today…..it’s full. I have so many blessings in my life….my cup indeed overflows. Praise God.

PS~Answered prayer

Ok, I had a rough start to the day. But, I got feedback from my ever patient Pastor, a phone call from a childhood friend who ALWAYS knows how to make me smile and the pinnacle to the whole thing is that I got a call from Erin!! It may have been only a five minute call but it is amazing how healing it was to hear her voice. She claims she is hot and that the only local critters she has spotted so far is a lizard. Her temporary home while a guest in Iraq is a tent and she says the chow is good.

God is good....ALL the time!!!

Fear and prayer

I’ve had a few people recently say to me “I don’t know how you do it. How do you get through the days?” Their tone implies that they think I’m actually successfully getting through these days. I’m not. I barely get one foot in front of the other. There is an automatic pilot that takes over but most of the time there is no flight plan entered. I am falling horribly short of what I should be doing.

I think what really immobilizes me is the projecting out. I keep telling myself it will be better when. That “when” can be any number of things. When she gets to Iraq didn’t last because now that when has turned into when she calls or writes. Or maybe the when is weight loss or savings goals or, or….you fill in the blank of when you have had a when. I’m so focused on that future event to center me again that I am losing my here and now.

I turn to prayer and scripture constantly and while I am in those two activities I find comfort but shortly afterwards I lose my place again and wallow in the when. Does it boil down to a lack of faith? Trust? Why do I keep veering into that shadowed place in my mind?

My son hit on something this past weekend that he has me softly treading in my mind about. He was wondering if maybe I hold onto them, my children, as tightly as I do because I am afraid of losing the first true love I ever experienced. I’ve even told Erin, my oldest, that she was my first perfect day ever the day she was born. The birth of the other three were my other perfect days. I’m sure most parents can relate to that feeling. But is it possible that I have placed my love for them and the love I receive from them above the love of God?

God blessed me with four exceptional children. Kids I rarely have to brag about because other people are doing it for me. That is how incredible they are. That is Gods doing. All of it. Why He saw fit to bless me with these four and to trust them in my care is beyond my understanding. I’ve always been such a screw up, why trust me God? Why take a woman with nothing and give her everything? Is that the core of why I am so afraid of losing them? Forgive me Father for my weakness. For my fears. For a faith that is in its embryonic stage of development. Father you know I did not have parents who loved me and cared for me so maybe I love and care for my own children with too much intensity. And you also know Father that I also do not know how to be a dependent child with a childs trust. Everytime I think I’m almost there I snatch it back like it is a lifeline when in reality it is an anchor on my soul. Please Lord, only you can give me the strength to release my fears. My words are lame and confused Lord. Please look into my heart and see what is there. I surrender to you Lord. And I thank you for loving me and my children more than I will ever comprehend. For loving us so much that you gave your own Son because of that love. I love you Father. Amen

Lessons

Everything in life is a lesson. Everything. There is no side of the coin that you don’t learn something. And, everything is an opportunity for extending grace. Everything.

Some of it isn’t blatant. It is actually the less glaring moments you have to be watchful for. For it is in those subtle moments that you may stumble the hardest.

So what am I talking about? Well, as is the case lately, I am speaking of the events that have unfolded in the last couple of weeks. Am I once again going to speak about Erin? No. I am speaking about other family members and friends. Responses and reactions. There in lays the opportunity to extend grace on ALL sides. There in lies the lesson.

First off, people have been wonderful. Their hearts have definitely been in the right place. In some cases the reactions have been clumsy but that is ok. When people have not experienced a similar situation it is only natural to not know how to respond. Without meaning to many people fall into the default response of how they think a situation “should” be handled. Or they hold onto a notion of what they “think” is taking place and respond with that instead of what the hard facts are. That is understood and there is our opportunity to extend grace. We keep looking at the heart instead of what is unintentionally played out. We love everyone for trying to do what they think is right.

So lets generalize for a moment the typical. Lets start with the “shoulds”. This can also be the “what shouldn’t”. You have heard it said many times, maybe even from your own lips, “Well you should do this” or maybe the “You shouldn’t feel that way.” These statements are usually made in desperation of not knowing what to do or say so a person tries to draw out a blueprint of responses that makes them more comfortable. It then discounts the persons feelings and the situation in which the one finds them self who is the one who is IN the circumstance that brings about this conversation in the first place. (This sentence actually passed the grammar checker LOL) So, what is the lesson learned here? When offering a shoulder to one in need, eliminate the word “should” or any derivative of the word from your vocabulary. It is best to let the person share their reality in an atmosphere of love and acceptance than to let our own discomfort try to paint an alternative reality. Often times there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that can be said to make the situation better. Sometimes just listening is the best thing to do. And for that person in the position of need the lesson is…..listening with the heart and not our flesh.

Now, for the part about what people think or perceive the situation to be. That one is trickier. Some people, no matter how well intentioned they are, are not gifted with the ability to listen. Do I think it is hopeless for those of us who might be like that? No. I think we all have the ability to be better listeners. It takes awareness and practice.

How often has this happened to you? You are trying to tell someone how you are feeling but they keep interjecting with a different twist to what you are saying. It is like you are being directed into another level that isn’t even pertinent to what you are saying. But the more they direct the conversation the more skewed their perception of the situation is. It is as if their ears have totally picked out only those words from what you are saying that draw out their conclusions. No matter what way you look at this, this is poor listening skills. It is kind of on the same principle as when people take snippets of scripture to back up their views and eliminating the context and Gods view. But, if we can stop and be aware when we do this and really open ourselves up to listening, as we should with Gods word also, then we have opened ourselves up to revelation and to be used in a positive godly way for the situation.

So what is the lesson in this one? Exactly flipped from the previous one. That person listening to the person in need has to open their heart to listen and not their flesh and the person in need has to resist the reaction of frustration of how they think the person “should” be listening. Do you get what I’m saying?

So, why am I bringing this up? Well my children have come to me with questions about peoples responses. It has been a great opportunity for us all to pause, pray and discuss. They have had concern over other peoples perceptions but through discussion they now see that it is not other peoples perceptions we need to concern ourselves with. And that we must always be careful of our own inclination towards skewed perceptions. As I said before…everything in life is a lesson.

So what do I say in conclusion? How about that I love all of you for your concern and thank you for your efforts. Even when those efforts are sometimes flawed in the translation… just as I know you love me in my glaringly flawed ways. We all are students in this life. I tend to be the nearsighted one sitting in the back of the room behind the tall kid so I don’t get to see the chalkboard much. Regardless, I feel I’ve learned something today. Thank you Lord.

Sharing

Today is a new experience. I awoke realizing my oldest is on the other side of the planet. Haven’t dealt with this one before. My sister-in-law has a daughter studying in France right now but they can call each other anytime they want. So…..even though it is kind of the same………

Had kind of a God moment take place yesterday. Erin was telling me how she now prays through Psalm 91 as an addition to what verses she already prays through. She prays through Ephesians 6:10-20 daily. I even read it aloud to the family after speaking with her. Then, later in the day, I had asked my Pastor what scripture was being read on the 21st when I am listed as worship leader. I startled my dear husband who was beside me when I got the answer with my gasp. It is Ephesians 6:13-15.

Ok, so where is my heart today? Ah duhhhh. But what else is there? I’ve been so wrapped around this one situation in our life that I haven’t been paying attention to anything else. It showed up in dinner last night. I was attempting to stay busy, you know, no idleness, so I wanted to make a blueplate dinner. So I made meatloaf, mashed taters, gravy, veggie and chocolate cake. Ok, first, I’m not the best cook in the world but I’m not the worst either. Last night I was toxic. My mind could not stay focused and as a result not only did I burn the meatloaf but I over baked the cake. The family lovingly ate the darn thing anyway with the only comment coming from Kelsey asking if there were supposed to be toasty, crunchy bits to the outside of the meatloaf. And the cake? Well it takes a few glasses of milk to get through.

Today will be the last day sitting around waiting for a call. Erin did call from Germany and said she would definitely call one more time today but could not tell me when that would be of course. So naturally I will stay put waiting for that call. I promised the girls it will not be like this for the four months Erin is gone. I think they were beginning to wonder.

So why are the phone calls so important? Well as Erin said, you want to hear the voices you know you will not be hearing for a long time is one of the reasons. I began to understand another level to it yesterday as well. There is this need to try to say everything you think needs to be said. Even while you are trying to say it all, every ounce of shared love and pride, every word of encouragement and support, that no matter how long you could be there sharing this all you still never feel like it is all said. I think there is a good reason for that. Words cannot possibly hold and convey it all. We are limited in our abilities. Love, which is God, is limitless. How can one possibly express it all? We can’t. But we also should never cease trying. Share it. Always. Never hold back.

While Erin is on the other side of the world fulfilling her duties I need to stay focused on my duties here on my side of the planet. I suppose I could get started.

Love you all!!!

Journey

Yesterday was the start of the journey for Erin which will ultimately end with her arriving at base in Iraq. All the horror stories heard about the screw ups that happen in travel arrangements when arranged by the military apparently are true. By the time I received her call last night at 11:30 pm she was a bit hot under the collar with all the mess ups. It started with her airline ticket not having been paid for down to not having a room for her and another female at Travis when they arrived. Oh, and it gets better. They flew them from Colorado to California right? Guess where they fly to today? Maine. They will be there long enough to refuel before heading to Germany. Are you scratching your head too?

Her day started yesterday with her picking up her M16. Yep, as in gun. The darn thing is probably as big as she is. She called me from the airport complaining because she had to be there so early and now she had a couple of hours to kill before her flight. I did remind her that stating you have a couple of hours to kill while standing in an airport with an M16 might not be in her best interest. She got a chuckle from that.

So, the nuts and bolts? The weekend was brutal. It hit me hard that she was leaving. It showed itself by my having misdirected anger and unreasonable fear. My dear husband was the target for the anger and my son was the lucky one to get my fear responses. In hindsight I wonder if they would have traded places?

Bob was great when he realized what was happening. Once I exhausted myself with the anger there was nowhere else to go but out of control crying. But that all happened after I had forced Perry to miss a date because I was too afraid of him traveling in questionable weather. The thought of two of my children in harms way was too much for me to take on. Suffice it to say it was a tough weekend for all.

Yesterday was difficult in that it was a waiting issue. Waiting for the phone to ring that is. There is that need to hear her voice as much as I can before she is finally out of reach. Is that a mama thing? I already miss her so much.

A friend from church sent home a pin she wore through her sons two tours overseas. She said it gave her comfort to touch it when it got rough for her. As much as I appreciate the sentiment behind the pin it is the understanding that is priceless. Here is another mother who felt the same things I am feeling now to reassure me I’m not going crazy and that it will be ok. It is easier to hear that from someone who has been there.

So, you might be asking me where is my faith in God throughout all this. Right beside me and the whole family. God understands anxiety. Did Jesus not sweat blood at Gethsemane? I’m thinking He has a lock on what I’m feeling and more. It is that assurance that makes it easier to tumble into His loving hands for comfort. It is knowing that Erin is doing the same. She even said last night that after getting off the phone with me she was going to grab her bible and find comfort there. THAT is the best thing to ever hear.

So, today is another waiting game. She is hoping she can call but there are no guarantees. So I will sit here patiently and hopefully. To even get a 15 second call will make the wait worth it. To hear her voice…….

Tomorrow? Well tomorrow we will ship out our first care package for her. We will begin to live our days as we always do only now we add to it. We gather up the tidbits of our days and we share them with Erin in emails and letters and in the small gifts we can send. We will concentrate on directing our focus to positives and not let our eyes wander from that.

Well it is time for me to get to task. Waiting does not mean idleness. Heaven forbid you couple those two together. Yikes.

Love to all!!!

Erin's Orders

Well we received news last night that Erin leaves on Monday for the first part of her trek to Iraq. Sooner than we thought but that isn’t unusual either. She will be traveling out of Travis instead of the east coast like we had hoped. From there it is either a stop in Hawaii or in Japan. She figures Japan is the more likely of the two but is hoping for Hawaii. From there it is on to the sandbox.

Okay, I’ll admit it. I thought I was ready for the news but when I got her call it took all I had to not cry until after we hung up. Then there was no stopping me. But…..it was just those tears one cries when you are going to miss someone deeply. I know in my heart she will be okay and that God has her in His capable, loving hands. I trust that.

Erin is about to cross a threshold that I can not. She is about to experience things I will never be able to understand or comprehend. I’ll always be her mother and will always be here for her but now when I offer my shoulder it will lack the ability of having traveled the same road so I can offer insight. That is kind of a strange realization. But there is one thing that never will lack and that is my unconditional love for her. I think she knows that too.

So, we have been already planning on what kind of packages we will be sending her. She has made some requests for certain books and I am going to do my best to gather up the necessary items. She has come to the conclusion that if ever there were a time to read through some book series these next four months are it. She is always thinking.

Her thought process of what to accomplish with her four months has me doing the same. I told her I want to be 20 pounds lighter when she sees me when she gets home. A GOAL!!! I also have various projects that need completion so I am hoping to do that as well. It is VERY apparent to me that idleness will be my enemy while she is away so I need to stay busy!! The clock will slow to a crawl otherwise and it will be hard enough having her so far away.

Every day I will pray through Psalm 91 for my baby girl. It brings peace.

Psalm 91 NCV

Those who go to God Most High for safety

will be protected by the Almighty.

I will say to the Lord, "You are my place of safety and protection.

You are my God and I trust you."

God will save you from hidden traps

and from deadly diseases.

He will cover you with his feathers,

and under his wings you can hide.

His truth will be your shield and protection.

You will not fear any danger by night

or an arrow during the day.

You will not be afraid of diseases that come in the dark

or sickness that strikes at noon.

At your side one thousand people may die,

or even ten thousand right beside you,

but you will not be hurt.

You will only watch

and see the wicked punished.

The Lord is your protection;

you have made God Most High your place of safety.

Nothing bad will happen to you;

no disaster will come to your home.

He has put his angels in charge of you

to watch over you wherever you go.

They will catch you in their hands

so that you will not hit your foot on a rock.

You will walk on lions and cobras;

you will step on strong lions and snakes.

The Lord says, "Whoever loves me, I will save.

I will protect those who know me.

They will call to me, and I will answer them.

I will be with them in trouble;

I will rescue them and honor them.

I will give them a long, full life,

and they will see how I can save."

I'm Baaccckkk!

I had an AMAZING time out in Colorado with my lovely daughter Erin and her wonderful husband, my son-in-law, Jerry. Here is a picture of the two of them the day we ran through the Garden of the Gods. A most amazing place. I even saw a lady propelling down the rocks. I think that's what it was called. I mean really, it wasn't a free fall or nothing. But it made my toes curl and my stomach knot up then Erin announced that she too has done this. Argh!!!! Her fearless gene is a mutant one because that is not evident on either side of the family.

I flew in on the 22nd. So did every democrat from the nation. I flew back on the 29th. So did every democrat in the nation. It didn't help that McCain had announced his running mate that morning. The trip home was with cranky democrats. Denver airport is a bear during DNC.

Anyway, I digress. I flew in and we had a Packer preseason game to get to. I will mention right off that we WON!! High five and slap my butt!!! We had remarkable seats. My son-in-law is master at getting tickets. Don't think we had that great of seats? Well...we were in row 12 Packer side at the 20. Here is a picture to brag about. That's right folks, I took that picture and it was with a pocket digital and NOT Bob's space age Nikon with all the zoom technology. It was SO much fun seeing my boys up close and personal. I must add though that the Denver Bronco fans are a fun and friendly group. You don't see much of that on the east coast. Just friendly banter went back and forth. It was most pleasant.

By the time we got back to the house that night I had been up for 23 hours. Do you know what an old broad gets like with no sleep? Last time I stayed up that long was in my 20's and it was with the assist of beer and tequila. You'd of thought I would have slept in the next morning. Not this chronic isomniac. I was up at 5:30.

There was lots of running around every day. They took it easy on me Saturday and we garage saled. BARGAINS!!! I wish I had drove a moving truck there! Sunday we did brunch and mini golf. Monday I got a MASSAGE and we toured the AirForce Academy. Tuesday we went to Garden of the Gods and the Cliff Dwellings. Here is a picture of Erin inside one of the dwellings. They were fun. We even had Native Americans demonstrating their tradtional dance for us. And Wednesday.......Wednesday we went up to Pikes Peak!! You must keep in mind that I am terrified of heights. When we boarded the cog train and they had all the warnings about altitude sickness and everything I thought for sure I would be the one to embarass the kids and throw up on some unsuspecting fellow tourist. I am pleased to announce that I did NOT get sick and that I LOVED the whole experience!!! In fact I was giddy about it. It was like a God moment for me. All I could think as I watched the scene unfold before me as we climbed higher up that mountain is look at what God's mighty hand created.

Do you know you can not adequately take a picture to convey the height at which you are? It has to be experienced first hand. I encourage EVERYONE to make a point of going to a mountain summit at least once in your life. You'll never regret you did. Here is another picture of Erin and Jerry atop that wonderous mountain.

Oh, and do you know that when you get to the top they have DONUTS? Yum!! We are talking warm cake donuts and not those poor excuse for a pastry Krispy Creme yuckiness. These are what I remember Mama making when I was a wee one. Of course Jerry had to partake of their fudge too. They tell us calories don't count at 14,110 feet. We chose to go along with that little tidbit and lie. ANY excuse to eat right folks?

Are any of you doubting that I was actually at Pike's Peaks summit? Think I was too scared for such a venture? Well ahh hahh....I have picture proof. Here I am with Erin and I am thrilled and happy beyond description. Now for those of you that already know me....can you imagine what I might be like when my brain receives even less oxygen than it does now? A sidenote....the first two days I was back home I had so much energy from being back in oxygen it wasn't funny.

Saying goodbye to Erin at the airport was brutally hard. I had not cried that hard in some time. It got to a point Erin and Jerry had to leave the area or we would have stood their and bawled until I got all the way through security. People were looking at us funny. You know....democrats. But I am so glad I had this time with my daughter before she leaves and we were able to talk of important stuff and I have actually found peace about this all. Between having that time with her and praying Psalm 91 every single day since some dear friends at church turned me on to it I have a renewed hope and spirit about the situation. God is good....ALL the time!!! I look forward to flying back out to Colorado when Erin's tour in Iraq is done and this time the whole family will go and we will have a wonderful celebration.

So there you have it....a short recap of Theresa's vacation. It was WONDERFUL!!! Thank you Erin and Jerry!!! I love you both SO much!!!