A Scripture for this day and in my need

Trust in the Lord and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture,
Delight yourself in the Lord
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in him and he will do this;
He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
Be still before the Lord
and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes,
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
do not fret -- it leads only to evil.
For evil men will be cut off,
but those who hope in the Lord
will inherit the land.
Psalm 37:3-9

Fueling up

I am in a mood. Not the good type either. I try to take moments to pause and talk to God but when the day is so filled with task it can be difficult. That’s why I’m here now. I’m not going to successfully get through the tasks in my day if I don’t stop and refocus first. I’ve prayed and now I am here. Therapy. Fueling up so I can be effective elsewhere.

The battle I fight is with myself. I am blessed in so many ways and yet those blessings can be marred by expectations I place on them. I’m blessed to be, for the most part, a stay-at-home mom. Not just that but a homeschooling mom. How great is that? Yet the pressure I put on myself on what I think we should be accomplishing in school can be knee buckling. I don’t want to fail these girls. Never mind that Erin graduated from home and has excelled in everything she has set out to do. But is that due to her schooling or to the fact she was blessed with a natural aptitude? She could be a fluke? I have to be careful that my driven need to not fail them doesn’t end up being their burden. A burden that could take away their desire to learn.

Then there is the house. Because of wanting to do more in school the housework takes a hit. Now I know I have mentioned before that I have learned to be more relaxed about that and that I was setting my priorities in order but lets get real. When a person is used to having a home in a certain way it is really hard to get used to the more, shall we say, relaxed conditions of the home. Add to that the fact that I encouraged, okay whined for the two cats and two dogs we have, which also adds to the mussed up conditions. Do you have any idea how much fur those four can produce? AND….I insist we use our woodstove. So, with the four pets, five humans and a woodstove there is a losing battle with dust. Pick any day and you could stop over here and write your name on any piece of furniture in the house. Well, maybe not the desk. But that is only because it is so heaped up with paperwork that there isn’t bare surface for dust to reach. Argh!!!

I’m supposed to be exercising. I just turned and looked. My daughter has her coat and purse hanging on my treadmill. She does this daily. Why? Because she knows it isn’t in the way because I never get around to using it. The universal gym in the garage? Same thing. Items have piled up on it. In the evenings when I have time to sit I find myself pausing at the Fit TV channel. It is only a pause though. It’s time to flip through the channels and give my thumb a more vigorous workout on the remote.

I have numerous craft projects I have started and that lay in different stages of completion. Ok, the word completion should not be used. That is only good for something “completed”. Although, I have been good about not starting any more projects this year at least. It being January 22nd I’m thinking I am well on my way to a newly developed habit. Yippee for me. Grunt.

But you know, sitting here thinking about it further, it is only I who really give a rats butt about this sort of thing. I can be sitting here overweight, in my mess of a house stressing out over lesson plans and regardless my kids and husband love me. Actually, they find me humorous. Oh yes, I seem to be a great source of amusement for them. Actually, one of my favorite things is how much this family laughs. And we talk. Really talk. I get the impression from many others that conversation is rare in other households. Those neat as pin households with the size 8 mom and Ivy League students. Is there some sort of trade-off? Hmmm. If so then I think I would rather change my mindset and attitude right now and thank God for my messy house, wide derriere and kids who hate math. I’d rather we all be laughing.

Thank you God….for opening my eyes…..yet again.

Chilly day and warm memories

Well my Packers couldn’t quite pull it off last night. But you know what? That is ok. We had a wonderful year. It was fun as a fan and I’m hoping the team feels they had fun too. I still think it is a magical team.

Well Green Bay had some bone chilling weather last night and even though it isn’t as cold as it was there, it is still a very cold day here today. I’ve been busy piling wood on the fire since early this morning. We have all dressed in multiple layers too. I’m a big woman already so putting layers on me really gives me the old world bohemian look of my ancestors. Strong like bull?

As weird as it sounds I really don’t mind this kind of thing. As implied before, I love anything that helps me feel connected to Grandma. I used to listen to her stories attentively about how she grew up or how she raised her kids. She mostly spoke of raising her own. She had eleven children and raised them during the Great Depression. As hard as it was for her at times she always spoke with a sound of satisfaction in her tone. Yes the work was hard but there was worth in the work. That is the message I came away from it with. I miss her so much.

She was the one that planted the seed in me for my passion for gardening. Mercy did she have a yard. And her flowers. I bet if one flew over her place in a plane that those couple of acres were a brilliant patchwork quilt all their own. She was also very thrifty. Well really, how could one not be living through the time periods she did. I was always fascinated by the ball of string and one of rubber bands she had. She would wash and reuse plastic bags and aluminum foil. The plastic bags were never store bought baggies. These were bags that other items came in. They were just as good and didn’t cost extra. And I used to play with her button jar when I was really young. I wonder if kids could be happy anymore playing with buttons? She always wore an apron and when she had time to sit she was working up doilies. Yes, I make doilies too. I have two of her aprons but I don’t wear them. I treat them like treasures bringing them out occasionally just to hold.

I could sit here all day tumbling memories of her through my mind and into type but I too have tasks to get to and children to raise. I like to think her influence is evident in all I do. She was the one jewel in all of my youth.

Wash day

Well it is my day off. I have lots to catch up on task wise, one of the many chores being laundry. (Gee, where is the day off portion to this?) I hang laundry whenever I can. I even have a drying rack for those days when outdoor hanging isn’t possible. I’m a tightwad so I save pennies where I can and a drying rack used for bluejeans is an energy saver both economically and enviromentally and saves wear and tear on the jeans. Again, saving in those same ways.

Back in Wisconsin I used to take this one step further. I used to use a wringer washing machine. In fact I still own it along with the double zinc rinsing tubs. I cannot bring myself to give them up. Poor Bob would love nothing better then to see me part with them so he can regain some garage space. But this is a perfect condition 1945 Maytag. I love anything to do with the 1930’s and 40’s. I somehow feel connected to my dear grandmother who was my hero in life. Can’t the man understand this? If it were a 1945 Ford truck he would understand. Men.

Even for Wisconsin I was considered a bit odd for wanting to use this washer. I don’t understand why. It saved water and energy and the kids fought over who got to help me with laundry. The only fighting these days about laundry is who has to help. They even will say now that laundry then was somehow more satisfying and enjoyable. I agree with them. If there were a way to use it here I would.

I miss my house back in Wisconsin sometimes. Oh, especially the yard. The house was modest, nothing to brag about. I did like having the basement. I had loads of shelves built in down there where I stored all my home canned goods. I was a canning fool. Well I had an enormous garden so I had to be. One portion of the basement is where I did my laundry. I even had lines installed down there for bad weather days. Otherwise. I had lines out back of the house nestled near my raspberry bushes and grapevines. The garden was north of that. I planted the usual veggies every year but I also had asparagus and blackberries in the mix, also the afore mentioned raspberries and grapes that ran the length of the back fence. There were three apple trees, peaches and plums. I also had a slew of perennial flowers planted about the property. I tended to that yard like I tended to my babies. A lot of love went into it.

Moving to Pennsylvania was a bit of a shock to me. Where we live there is nothing but clay and rock. No dark, sweet dirt to dig my hands into at all like back in Wisconsin. Gardening was my sanctuary. The place I could feel God touch my face with gentle breezes and the warmth of the sun. Where creation is still taking place when one stops to pay attention. I still remember the giggles from the kids when they would spot the early spring peas just peaking out of the soil. Everything happened rapid fire after that. That cold plot of dirt would just burst into life. Then there would be so many birds and butterflies flitting about that it had almost a fairytale feel to it. Oh, and when there would be a summer rain. That is when I would rush all the kids to the yard to dance and jump and sing in it.

Okay, maybe the neighbors didn’t think I was odd because of the washing machine.

Life is good

Well it has been a spell since I’ve been able to sit down and write in my journal. A busy life is responsible for that. Much has happened since last I took finger to the keyboard. All of it has been wonderful yet also an adjustment to my spirit and body.

Lets see. Well there was Bob’s and my anniversary on Saturday. That was wonderful!! We are living by a very strict budget right now and the kids know that. So the dearhearts went in together to give us the funds to go out and have a splurge dinner. Anyone that knows Bob and I and has seen us with their own eyes has to know that when it comes to food we don’t play around. I took this very serious knowing that we were going to a steak and rib joint. I decided to not eat all day in preparation. Oh yeah…I’m not some timid little demur eyelash-batting wench feigning no appetite. This woman went for the gusto. Get this. An 18 oz. t-bone with a sidekick of ribs. Bring it on baby! The only thing that came home was the bone for the dog. I’m a legend at that restaurant now. Ha! Bob did have trouble finishing his. I called him a lightweight. We did enjoy ourselves thoroughly. OH….but we did have an hour and a half wait for our table. Most people would hate that. Not us. We sat in the lounge watching the second half of the Packer game. AWESOME!!!

I started work on Monday. That’s right, I have a job. Was I looking? No. I received a phonecall from the sweetest person on the planet Thursday asking me if I had ever considered working in a bookstore. Ok, Bob is frightened when I walk into a bookstore because I devour everything. He claims we are getting swamped out of our own house by books. Would I like working in a bookstore? I can only think of one thing better and that would to be able to eat anything I want and be and stay a size 8. Let me bask in that thought for a moment-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Ahhhhhhhhh. That one is just a pipe dream. The bookstore is a reality and it feels just as good. I cannot tell you how many levels of answered prayer this job is. It covers the economical, spiritual, personal and yes even physical. God works in wonderous ways.

Speaking of physical….I cannot tell you how many muscles have been awoken from a long hibernation and are screaming. I just finished day three and it is easing up a bit but I still have a ways to go before it all settles in. Did you know that really really deep. I’m saying deep, deep down, that there are muscles in the tush? I’m sure I knew that at one time when they weren’t as deep but since they have gone to the sub regions they have kind of lain dormant and unnoticed. They essentially were forgotten. They wake up cranky.
I did have a rough night last night with some episodes that were a bit stronger then they have been since last I was hospitalized. I think it was a mixture of fatigue and stress that may have triggered them. I’m hoping that once I adjust and find a routine that they will go back to being muffled if not gone all together. I prefer the latter. I don’t know. Maybe it was satan trying one last try at keeping me in check. Maybe he was trying to keep me holed up at home afraid and timid. He lost. The Lord provides me with the strength and the desire to push past that. Thank you Lord Jesus.

Just stuff

It is absolutely yummy outside today. If it wasn’t for all the squishy that remains I would be out there cleaning up the yard. In all fairness, I did have the boy run poop patrol. I think I’m on his poop list for the rest of the day. Hey, the rest of us have been thick in school. He was just playing PSP. Now can anyone fault me?

I have a friend coming over for the first time tomorrow from church to discuss church matters. My house is a mess. Now, typically I would be getting all stressed out and frantic and would be running around here to get it cleaned up and barking orders out to the kids to help. I don’t know what it is but that part of me isn’t as strong as it once was. I’m happy that we are within health code guidelines and call it good. I am juggling WAY too many things these days to put so much importance on the appearance of my house right now. And the other part I really like. Is that I realize that friends don’t notice the rough edges as much as I do. And if they do they don’t make a deal about it like I do. What a revelation and freedom. Oh, I still want my house in a certain order…. it just no longer consumes me.

Did anyone see the fog this morning? On top of the hill like we are makes for wonderful views. Looking down over the trees and barely seeing the town was awesome. There was such softness to it all. Kind of the same texture you see in an Ansel Adams picture. I just ate it up.
Tomorrow my daughter Erin and her husband Jerry start their cross-country trek to Colorado. Please keep them in prayer.

Soft flutters

It’s been a long day. I’m seven days into the New Year and I am still sticking to that attempt at getting things checked off my to-do list. Do you know to-do lists are brutal? I find I write down the list without much thought to how overwhelming it can be to put into action. At first I thought each list should be done each day. Oy vey….call the padded wagon. Now I’m adjusting and am pleased when I can prioritize and get a good share done and carry it over to the next day. A friend of mine keeps reminding me that my expectations of myself can tend to be a bit unrealistic. That I should lighten up. I don’t know…he could just be sneaking in a fat joke.

I’m excited about the warm weather. I am looking forward to spring. I am a morning person through and through. And my favorite thing to do when the weather is nice is to sit out on my deck to watch the sun come up while sipping on my mug of coffee. It is the best time and surroundings for devotions and prayer. It puts the mind and soul in a healthy place.

We also entertain a great deal on that deck. My hubby is the master of the grill. We love to dine out on the tables surrounded by family and friends. When it gets dark we light the tiki lamps and just listen to music and gab until someone realizes how late it is and that the neighbors are probably cursing our names under their breaths because of our loud voices and laughter. Need to remember to invite more of the neighbors over to remedy that.

On quite nights the five of us sit out there with our faces turned to the sky looking for satellites while discussing philosophical or spiritual matters. It is amazing what kids come up with. Their minds get far deeper then most would give kids credit for. We learn so much from them. I like how they challenge our views and introduce new visionary possibilities. Was I ever that profound and intriguing?

Hey, Bob and I have our 6th wedding anniversary this Saturday. And they said it wouldn’t last. So much has happened in that time. He is so sweet and patient with me. I get the impression that he is patient because he feels this chrysalis will someday turn into a butterfly but it can’t be forced. I pray his patience with me pays off. I really do want to fly.

Serenity

In my mind I go here often. This was our view from the window of a cabin we used to rent in Wisconsin. You could find this view just about anywhere in Northern Wisconsin. Isn't it calming? Now imagine it with the call of loons, soaring eagles and hummingbirds flitting right near the window to drink nectar from the flowers in the windowbox.

Whine

I have a headcold. It kept me up most of last night. The family cringes when I get a headcold. I've had six surgeries and broke two bones but nothing makes me whine and complain like a headcold. The only thing that keeps the family sane right now is knowing that usually when I get a cold... laryngitis is not far behind. The upside for me is with a cold comes a decreased appetite. I hope to lose something over the run of this. Lets hope it isn't the family.

The holidays are over and it is back to the usual routine. The kids are hitting their books and I along with them. Bob is back to grueling hours at work. I've resolved to try to be better about how I respond to all of this. School can get stressful and long and Bob's abscence makes some things harder to handle. The thing is, I've been here before and worse. I did the whole single parent deal. This is much easier to handle. We are trying to set aside time for ourselves as a couple which means there are things to look forward to. It is just a matter of getting through the days leading up to them. It is important that I remind myself of this constantly now that I can't drive. The isolation could get a bit overwhelming.

I have given myself a number of challenges and goals for this year. Some I'm actually looking forward to. Others.....not so much. But it is things like these that I can turn my focus to when I start feeling blech, blah and argh. Keeping myself busy will keep those three as a twitch instead of all consuming. Twitches I can handle. I even have numerous projects to attack. These things have always been an option but I never took it serious until my license went away. Go fig.

My body aches, my nose is plugged, my head is pounding and my throat is on fire. Whaaaaaa. See, told you I whine.

Snore

The increase in meds has made for a sleepy girl. I find myself sitting here trying to do homework or listen to something and then realize my eyes are doing that pre-sleep rolling back into the head. Lovely image eh? I’m hoping my system will adjust to this in a few days and I’ll be seizure free AND awake.

Zoe has turned into a demon about portion control. She actually gets scary. If I even attempt to go over what she considers adequate she gets all growly and gets a mean glare in her eye. She even raised her voice to me. Normally that wouldn’t fly but I did ask her to help me with this. She knows I will be a tough cookie. ( Mmmmm…cookies)

My house needs to go on a diet too. I look around at all the stuff and I just want to scream. How did we acquire all this stuff? I hate shopping. Still, I am drowning in stuff. I see a garage sale in our future. Funny thing is that we have donated so much stuff to other causes and still we have stuff. It’s like cellulite it never goes away. It even multiplies. My house is looking a lot like my thighs.

Saw a wonderful movie last night. It is called “Amazing Grace”. If you haven’t seen it my husband and I highly recommend it. The kids were watching their Netflix picks instead. “Who’s Line Is It Anyway?” A wee bit of a difference in genres.

Well, time to get back to reading my assignments for the girls. Kelsey is working on “The Great Awakening” and Zoe is just starting “World War I”. Like my head isn’t fragmented enough.

Letting go

Well, today goes down as one of those yank at your flesh days. My drivers license is officially in the hands of the state. It was hard letting it go. Heck, I was even thinking my picture on it wasn't half bad. Now that is pitiful. This is also the day I start dieting and exercising. I gave up my freedom and my source of comfort all in one day. I may be considered dangerous by days end.

While I sat there with my license in my hand I had that old devil whispering in my ear that giving it up was because I had absolutely no choice and that I was being held prisoner of that lack of choice. It was only a moment. A moment that could have spiraled me downward if it wasn't for the other voice that gently reminded me that I did have a choice. My choice was how I was going to respond to all of this. I chose to suck it up, lean on Jesus and look for the blessings. A wise man told me this ...get ready to discover what God wants you to do without it that you'd never done with it, and do it to His glory. He is right. So, I will open my heart, eyes and ears to that.

I have decided to challenge myself. I have a six month window before I get my license back. Okay, I will use that time to try to lose the 47 pounds I need to lose. It's guaranteed I'll be doing a fair share of walking. I've already appointed my daughter as the Portion Control General. Zoe takes these responsibilities VERY serious. Oh my goodness.....I just realized that without my ability to drive that I can no longer sneak snacks!!! Egads!!! My physical, psychological response is telling me I may need a 12 step program or a dealer that can score me some chocolate.

I survived both parties we attended this weekend. No seizures. Blood pressure was a bit high because of my anxiety about seizures but other than that it was okay. I enjoyed myself at both events. Yes, I was quieter than I normally would be but that was okay. It was fun to sit back and watch everyone in celebration and fellowship. It felt good to be surrounded by such warm, loving souls.

My daughter and her husband are moving in a week. They have been living in North Carolina. It is far but still close enough that we made a few trips a year back and forth for visits. Well now they are moving to Colorado. The frequency of our visits just went down substantially. But......considering how close she came to being deployed....I'll take it gladly. I pray, and I ask everyone else to please pray, for their safe travel.

My other three children are upstairs laughing right now. Is there any better sound than that?